GERMANY / DEUTSCHLAND September 2010

When Boris arrived on the scene in Muenchen, he decided to mingle with the locals, basically to get the low-down on where to buy cheap bier.

He bought an Isor card and proceeded to use the U-Bahn on a regular basis.

On one morning he sat in the seat reserved for invalids and pensioners. He noticed an elderly lady sitting next to him, and he was overcome by the strong smell of geschissen. It was powerfully strong. It had that large German smell to it.

He wanted to tell the elderly lady about her problem, but he was stopped by the language barrier. How could he tell the lady that she had a strong smell of the hund geschissen? He had to settle for sticking a finger up his nose and to pretend he was smelling some roses.

As he left the train at the U-Bahn station, Muenchener Freiheit, he believed the smell was following him. It was also there he noticed the price for tickets on the U-Bahn (sometimes it amazes all how his small mind works). It seems that the German public transport system charges the same price for a dog as it does for a child. Of course one notices that a dog receive more attention than a child.

He continued to walk on the streets. Everywhere he noticed evidence of the presence of der hund. On the pathways, where owners were not public spirited, there were samples of geschissen. Also on display and provided for convenience there were dispensers containing bags for the capture and transport of the hund geschissen. The smell persisted to follow him.

He began to think the old lady was following him too. However, when he looked about, she was nowhere to be seen. But the smell was persistent and powerful.

Finally he returned to his hotel, just across the road from the cemetery – der friedhofsbedarf – he entered his room, removed his shoes and found the evidence on the sole – der hund geschissen.

Dumm gelaufen (yes – schisse happens)

Hopefully the answer is NO!

Viktor and Hobson and their group of beautiful frauleinen made it to Trier today. They found it on the Mozel (Moselle) River, but failed to sample the wines.

They looked at sights and sites around the city. Importantly they found the Marx brothers’ birthplace – you know the funny one – Karl. It has been a history lesson.

Also they appear to have been tourists.

Thankfully no sign of Boris.

REGENSBURG 9 September 2010

Boris was reported to be in the alt stadt. (Note to intelligence community: please be more precise in your reports – we are chasing this fool all over Bavaria)

Viktor and Hobson and three beautiful frauleinen made quick haste to the alt stadt, parking just behind the Maximilian Hotel. This is not significant, but a reasonable place to park if you have the beepers fitted.

In the company of the beautiful and numerically increasing frauleinen, they made their way to a good restaurant. Here an American fellow informed them he had seen Boris earlier, but he could have been mistaken but Instead of pursuing Boris, they decided to have a decent breakfast.  After satisfying these hunger pains, these intrepid fellows set off searching the alt stadt.

Boris was spotted momentarily in several churches and the clock tower of the gate bridge beside the Donau River. Had he plunged into the river the would not have survived as the current was quite swift.  In one of the churches they saw that Boris’ accomplice, Ratsinger, had helped him escape.

Having followed a fruitless pursuit, our intrepid heroes decided to head for Worms, based on intelligence that Boris may be heading there.

SCHWANGAU 8 September 2010

Hobson and Viktor were seen escaping from Riessersee Hotel in Garmisch-Partenkirchen. Questions will be asked about the mini-bar.

After driving through Austria, they were stopped at a police road block in the vicinity of Reutte. After extensive questioning about the activities of Boris, the police allowed them to pass. Of course they know nothing of the imcompetent fellow.

Their route passed through Fussen and onto Schwangau. Finally they found a parking spot behind a large pile of horse manure. (Dear reader, at this time we should advise that the principal form of transport in the village of Schwangau is the horse-drawn cart – nothing too fast)

Viktor and Hobson set about searching the facilities for Boris. Sometimes he is lucky and can be elusive.

Firstly, they went to the Hohenschwangau castle. It was a very ordinary establishment, as far as castles and palaces go. Maximilian must have been a frugle fellow.

On the contrary his son, Mad Ludwig (what mother would call her son, Mad Ludwig!!! – no wonder he turned out strange) was not frugle.

This was evident immediately on their arrival in Neuschwanstein.

As they searched the castle there were rumours that Boris would be performing a recital Wagner’s Ride of the Valkerie in the concert hall on the top floor of Neuschwanstein. Of course he had escaped just prior to their arrival.

Upon return to the car park, they successfully found the BMW they had acquired.

It was now necessary to make a quick journey to Regensburg.

OBERAMMERGAU 7 September 2010

REPORT 1

This is new report from Viktor in glorious village of Oberammergau.

Everyone will know famous village of Unterammergau. Oberammergau is just up the road a short distance from Unterammergau.

Boris was seen lurking in vicinity of Oberammergau on morning of 7 September.

It is not generally known whether Boris is religous, but he has been seen with pope in Regensburg.

The village was full of Americans so Boris was able to masquerade as Hans, oberleutnent in charge of water wagon.

At time of passion play, Boris was seen entering building. Very strange – he was without ticket. He stumbled over filippino people on way to vacant seat.

Later seen stuffing blanket in bag.

REPORT 2

Boris not seen after dinner.

Viktor and Hobson with beautiful frauleinen walked through museum in village in search of Boris. Maybe polizei found he had no ticket and asked him to leave.

Hobson bought expensive kaffee in small cafe.

Fraulein took many photos, and with close examination did not reveal Boris.

REPORT 3

Boris again seen in vicinity of shuh platz. Think he was trying to find bus to Garmisch-Partenkirchen.

All confused as bus took strange route to hotel.

No more to report, except Hobson seen heading for bar.

Boris was invited, after parting with a wad of euros (a form of cash used in Europe), to investigate the Bayern (Bavarian) Bier Quality Law.

This tale has an historical setting. The Reinheitsgebot (Purity Law) was enacted in Ingolstadt in Bayern on 23 April 1516 (two days before Anzac Day). Firstly Boris was relieved that the Purity Law related to the quality of beer, not the morals of frauleinen. Secondly he was enthralled to see that law only allows the recipe to include barley, hops and water, and not magic mushrooms and stinging nettles. However he was disappointed to learn the Germans had ignored the price stipulated as 2 pfennigs per masskrug (one litre beer glass popular at Oktoberfest).

At the appointed time of 15:30 Boris boarded the bus opposite the Hauptbahnhof and with 15 German citizens (Boris had to ask the commentary be done im Englisch).

The route went via the Nazi headquarters. Apart from beer halls this had little relevance other than it was enroute to the beer brewing district in Muenchen (just have to admire a city, which has a beer brewing district. Seems to have a cultural significance)

The bus passed many breweries, then cut past the Oktoberfest grounds, which were in the advanced stages of construction for the event this year. Finally it stopped at Paulaner Brewery.

Boris and his 15 German friends were introduced to the fraulein braumeister. She explained that very good bier is made from 60,000 year old glacial water drawn from a bore 240 metres under the factory – better than that muddy water in the Isor River. Also the hops are of very good quality, especially the noble hops used here.

Boris (and 15 Germans) followed the fraulein around the plant observing every aspect of bier making. Boris took numerous photos (we think he is learning how to be a spy, but he needs to learn the finer points. Do not be seen taking photos. Do not push people out of the way to take a photo. Do not upset 15 Germans; they do remember the war!)

Also it is a bit pointless being a spy in a brewery. After all it is no secret how they make bier. It has been in law since 2 days before Anzac Day in 1516. One should refer to many books on the subject, especially on how to make bier in the garage or shed with a plastic container from Bunnings and ingredients from the supermarket. It might be chemistry but it has been done by amateurs for thousands of years.

Finally the tour of the factory was over. Now was the time to sample the quality of the product. Boris took up the challenge.

No more need be said!

It is reported he left the factory at 18:25. His whereabouts remains unknown.

Boris has been left to his own devices in Muenchen. It seems Hobson slipped through Franz Josef Strauss airport and onto the train to Grenoble while the bumbling spy slept. Well done Hobson!

Boris rose early, sometime before midday. He decided to get some exercise, so he walked from his hotel (Ibis Nord Muenchen) on Ungererstrasse and headed for the city centre. It was at Muenchener Freiheit that he found a small cafe with many suspicious characters (actually local people, but he wouldn’t know the difference) sitting outside, drinking coffee and discussing important issues.

He went inside and ordered ein coffee und brot mit kase. He stumbled through German. 6.40 euros (his attempt at account keeping)

After that repast he continued on his trek along Leopoldstrasse and Ludwigstrasse. He observed many suspicious characters, without realising he was in the university district. He walked through the middle of Ludwig Maximilian University, founded in 1472 in someplace else, but moved to here in 1826 (note to burgermeister – some buildings need a coat of paint)

Eventually he reached the city centre and arrived in Marienplatz at midday to see a very large crowd outside the Rathaus. He thought he had found civil discontent (but they were there to watch the clock on the town hall – performance of mechanical figures after clock strikes noon – Rathaus mit Glockenspiel)

Without finding anyone to participate in a putsch, he went to the hauptbahnhof and got on a bus. He was amazed that it travelled around in circles (it was a sightseeing bus). Finally in a disoriented manner he got off the bus, late in the afternoon. His route took him along Elisenstrasse, Marburgstrasse, Herzog-Maxstrasse Neuhauserstrasse , Ettstrasse, Promenadeplatz (strange memorial to Michael Jackson here) and to Maximilianstrasse. He was diverted to the Hofbrauhaus-am-Platzl.

He believed his opportunity for a putsch had occurred. The place was fully of noisy drinkers. (Actually the original bier hall putsch came from the Burgerbraukeller, but it was demolished in 1979)

At the table he met Walter and Helga from Hannover. They claimed to be pensioners. Walter was compelled to retire at 60 years. They were visiting Muenchen in the autumn. After 3 litres of dark bier they could have told him anything.

Somehow he got back to his hotel.

Perhaps a little too much luxury …

This travel log will be insufferable. For those who are students of the exploits of Boris the incompentent spy, this will come as a surprise. On his current misadventure, he is travelling to Germany. He thinks he might find enlightenment there (well someone has to turn on the lights sometime).

The first parts of his travels were to get from Brisbane to Munich (codename: Muenchen). He was to fly with the baggage through Dubai. Due to the misunderstanding on the part of Emirates that this fool was of some consequence, they upgraded him, not once but twice. On both legs the bottom jaw was awash with red wine and fine food in business class.

The first error was made by the Dnata staff in Brisbane. The young lady at the check-in desk was confronted with two entries in the computer. It seems something, akin to a Health payroll system, runs the bookings and automatically upgraded the fool. The poor girl was perplexed. Her supervisor decided the upgrade should occur, so off marches Boris with a business class boarding pass for the Brisbane Dubai leg, and an economy pass for the Dubai Munich leg.

In the interests of not boring you with complaints from Boris, I will summarize the experience. This flight normally takes 14 hours, but those chaps in the cockpit got the plane there in 13 hours. Seems they had a fairly good tailwind and it wasn’t too bumpy going over the Indian Ocean. Not a drop of red wine was spilt. While he was stuffing his face with good food, he made a sizeable attempt at a bottle of Torbreck Old Vines GSM 2005 from the Barossa Valley. (From the menu: Here the thick skinned grapes are very much at home and show their class when picked from the 100 year old vines. The GSM signifies the blend of Gernache, Shiraz and Mouvedre. The 2005 is described as hedonistic, dark ruby coloured, a fragrant nose of black cherry and wild blueberry (and possibly a hint of wine). Elegant and friendly on the palate with plenty of succulent blue and black fruits.)

Not sure if he slept well.

On his attempt to board the flight to Munich he was confronted by a large Arabian fellow at the gate when he presented his boarding pass. The oriental fellow presented the card to an electronic device which went beep (Everyone has to have one of these machines.) The fellow then tore up the boarding pass (finally someone has seen sense) and directed him to a security officer, who issues him with a business class boarding pass (the sense didn’t last long).

The flight from Dubai to Munich followed the route: up the Persian Gulf, across Turkey, on to Budapest and finally into Munich.

Comrades!
You have received this message because you are on the Intelligence Watch List.
Also if you are already in possession of some of this informations, consider yourself lucky.                          That will be the end of intelligence!

You are given prior warning that that bumbling spy, Boris, is on the move again.
He is believed to be masquerading as Hans the Luftwaffe oberleutenant in charge of the water wagon. Actually they have worked out his capabilities. Would you trust him with more than a cup of water? He may be associating with several frauleinen und may be seen in the company of hauptmann (the main man) Hobson (that has to be an alias!)

He is believed to be leaving Australia on 30 Aug 10 and followed on 1 Sep 10 bound for Muenchen. Failing all sanity he will be returning 19-21 Sep 10 out of Frankfurt-am-Main and again followed on 26-28 Oct 10 out of Muenchen.

All are to remain alert. Come on team, let’s not have an international incident.

Signed
Viktor (yes, he does get around)