A day from the journal of Mister Vasily Bond

Vladivostok
Boris and Timofei have discovered the Far-East of Russia. However, their incompetence continues to amaze the combined intelligence agencies. They were tasked to observe and report on maritime activities. In the first instance their photo of the Pacific Ocean Flota was obscured by an inflatable matryoshka.

g20140926_131115

Next they found a beached or marooned mini-sub.

g20140926_135642

It wasn’t going anywhere. Then they discovered the last of the S-class submarines. It is on display in Zolotoy Rog, and well and truly grounded.

g20140926_150828

The couldn’t even take photos of a naval school, just the anchors holding it firmly to the ground.

g20140926_151305

Neptune, help us!

g30140926_150152
By the way, the S-class were quite successful during the Great Patriotic War, sinking 82,770 gross register tons of merchant shipping and seven warships, which accounts for about one-third of all tonnage sunk by Soviet submarines.

Alex aye-aye-aye

Little is known about Boris and his allegedly nefarious activities.
When he is in residence in Brisbane, it is known by a few that he has a weekly sojourn with acquaintances at a competitive event.  It is trivial.  One of his associates is a fellow who resembles Tsar Alexander III.  On occasion in Russia, Boris is known to take photos of Alexander III, to remind his colleague of the likeness.

a20140921_121208

In Irkutsk there are such opportunities.  Boris found a photo of Alex aye-aye-aye (as Timofei calls him) in the city museum (note to travelers: don’t bother, not worth 120 rubles entry).  On the second occasion, it was a much grander opportunity.  There is a 5 metre statue to the fellow at the end of Karla Marxa street.  Rather ironic.

a20140921_150159

The statue was erected to commemorate the original statue erected to commemorate the arrival of the railway, and the new statue was paid for by the railway company.
Boris took another photo for Allan!

.. and the cockatoo said nothing

An encounter at the Zoopark
It is interesting how in the Russian language the word, zoopark, is pronounced.   They voice both o vowels individually with emphasis on the first. So it is pronounced “z-oh-ah-park”.   When Boris met the taxist outside the hotel, he firstly mistakenly used the Engrish pronunciation, then realised his mistake.   Finally the taxist took the dynamic duo to the Zoopark.  They had received informations that a cockatoo would tell them something.  After Timofei upset the old woman in the Kassa, by giving her 1000 ruble note – this is a country without change for moderate size notes – so it seems – they entered the park.  They made their way to many exhibits.  The European bison were extremely dangerous, 2014-09-18 11.35.25  and the keeper was more dangerous and less impressed when Timofei approached too close to the enclosure.  It seems that his standard answer of “ya ne govoroo par russki” is not being understood nor well received.  English is not his strong language either.  When they saw one of Santa’s reindeer, they were circumspect. a20140918_114855 They did not mention they had consumed one of his cousins. (Alas Kevin Radd was no more – only jerky).  The oryx kept pointing their behinds towards the observers. a20140918_115952 Maybe they had good sense.  Timofei and Boris were grateful after they saw the stork had been imprisoned a20140918_130304 for delivering so many babies – doubt whether this fairy-tale translates to Russian folk-lore.  Finally they met the cockatoo.a20140918_130959  It was a bloody bird! How could it tell them a coded message.

This spy business is fraught with many mis-informations.

Anthropology will never be the same again

Anthropologists???
Boris and Timofei will pretend to be anything. 20140917_113123

Now they are studying the eskimos. 20140917_113744

Not being politically correct they wouldn’t know a Ket from a Yakut, let alone an Entsa. 20140917_11355920140917_113437

They studied the exhibits in the Krasnoyarsk Krai Regional Museum. 20140917_11382620140917_113158

Perhaps they got an education.20140917_113925

20140917_114752  The world awaits this positive outcome.

 

The spy story begins

The great spy novel: The Least Wanted Men.

a20140916_195012

a20140916_195144

Boris:   Timofei, I know we are close to FSB Headquarters, but do you think they have installed a camera here or is it a funny looking rivet in a cement wall. Perhaps we should be careful about what we say.
Timofei:   Da. Ze walls have ears and eyes here in the James Shark Pub. We will be very careful. We will not give away any secrets, especially the recipe to womabt stew.Think of the damage the FSB could do with that informations, comrade.
Andrei/Andrew:   Hello. My name is Andrei, err, Andrew. I am your contact, err, waiter. Would you like some service? Perhaps some food? We have reindeer jerky (don’t tell Santa Claus – it is one her slow reindeers; her name was Kevin Radd) and we have nuts. {Stage whisper: the nuts will not be alone} I recommend the good James Shark Beer. It is our local beer. No. Not brewed in this pub. It is brewed in a zavod in this city. Perhaps you would like some more food. No. That is not a code word. Perhaps you would like some Shashlik. We have very good selection. I agree. Pork and chicken will be very good.

Yekaterinburg and surrounds

14 Sep 2014                               Boris meets his equal…..
When our heroes finished their night symphony on a low note, they peered out the hotel window and saw rain. After breakfast they made their way along Malisheva to 8th March Street. There they established their base at the Traveler Coffee cafe.
 a20140914_160849-2
There they asked how they could get to Europe-Asia monument. A helpful and attentive waitress called an unknown party, possibly family or friend or mafia. Soon a driver arrived and he introduced himself as Sergei. Now here was a fellow to challenge Boris, in many ways.                Timofei described him as a pleasant fellow.
Sergei drove the duo to the line and monument marking the boundary between Europe and Asia in the Ural Mountains. The place was perhaps 20 km west of Yekaterinburg on the Siberian Highway towards Perm. The road was wet. The traffic was constant, and there were the ever present roadworks.
a20140914_120732
We found numerous ribbons tied around trees, fences, any pole or bar, to mark weddings.
Asia & Europe

The 2 of us stradling Asia & Europe

Each now stood in front of the monument, with legs spread across the line.
Stories were told, reminiscing about the meridian at Greenwich.
(There is no coincidence that there is a shopping centre in Yekaterinburg called Grinvich)
At the conclusion of the activity, Sergei suggested all go to the site of the murder and burial of the last royal family (Nicholas and Alexandra and children). He knew it was near the village of Sredniuralsk (middle of the Urals), but also he had been to the Boris School of Navigation. He got lost!
a20140914_131833 2014-09-14 13.23.52
To his credit he did stop several times to ask several old women where to go.
 a20140914_131931
It seems he has the charm of Boris as well.
Eventually Sergei arrives at the destination. Timofei and Boris rushed to the toilets, only to find smelly and unsightly Asian squat units.         Thankfully they were only there to pee.
All entered the compound and found many churches commemorating all family members. Boris unwisely asked if a small building was a memorial to the family pet.
Timofei noticed that Sergei was very proud to show them around the site.

They entered a church clambering past and pushing aside old ladies on a religious pilgrimage. If a miracle were to occur they would be there first. It was a miracle that no one fell over because of the darkness encountered as people entered the church.
Inside was an array of icons. Also Timofei was taken with a portrait of the royal family. It is a basic church but holds a special place in the hearts of the believers.
Upon return to the city, Boris and Timofei paid Sergei 1000 rubles for his services and entertainment. They arranged for him to meet them at the hotel in the evening, and to transport them to the vokzal.
The duo spent their remaining time in Yekaterinburg exploring the city centre. The were numerous monuments and sculptures, which they had to mimic. 
There was a coffee shop in Grinvich, where a delightfully happy waitress, Maria, served their needs.  On the way back to the hotel, Timofei terrorised the wildlife in a large park, especially hunting squirrels
(Tom Lehrer?
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhuMLpdnOjY).
In the evening Sergei combated the traffic and made good time in getting to Yekaterinburg Passenger Vokzal(Railway Station).
There our duo waited in a crowded
sitting hall for more than an hour. And upon arrival of the train 056 Moscow to Krasnoyarsk, they made quick time to the platform 2, line 4. Wagon 3 was at the end of the train, and they were greeted by a cheerful conductor, Larisa.       Soon they were settled in their compartment for 33 hour journey.

 

Perm to Yekat

The cafe at Perm 2 vokzal is basic. If you want tea, water is poured into a glass with a teabag. If you want coffee water is poured into a glass with a mystery beige powder. Timofei is still getting used to Russia. There are many surprises in store. And then they had to rush to platform (Путь) 4 – not an easy task against the oncoming swarm leaving the train.Our heroes left Perm at 11:45. The carriage was a little dated, however, it was clean due to the efforts of the conductor. During the journey she mopped it out.They sought out refreshment in the restaurant wagon, but at 1:00 pm they were told that it was zakrit. This had to be good for the diet and waistlines. Boris and Timofei were in a compartment with a talkative Russian fellow. He said, hello and goodbye, and nothing more.
The change in seasons is occurring. Timofei noted the change in leaf colour as they progressed eastward. a20140913_151415 They traveled through birch forests which are turning orange and brown. A lovely sight.
The city of Yekaterinburg is quaint. The streets are well paved, but the footpaths are uneven. The buildings are a mix of new glass and concrete, a few soviet era buildings and some old wooden buildings. a20140913_161911
Timofei and Boris found a cafe (more a canteen), named Fork and Spoon (Вилка Ложка), serving a very cheap meal (475 rubles for both). a20140913_163357 They were proud that they are eating like the natives, standard Russian fare. They progressed to a patisserie for dessert and coffee. a20140913_191145 And on the way back to the hotel Timofei had to buy fruit from a kiosk (Boris did not feel that health conscious).
All is well as our heroes head east.

Pskov 8-9 Sep & more

The bus from St Petersburg

The bus we caught from Peters to Pskov

The bus we caught from Peters to Pskov

arrived in Pskov by simply becoming part of the traffic on the main street, where the flow was not very heavy but it was Constant. Before our heroes realised the situation the bus had gone well past where they should have alighted. The driver agreed to drop them at a place where it was convenient to find a taxi. They crossed the main road to a parking area where two taxis were waiting.  The driver of the first grabbed their bags and shoved them in the front seat. He indicated that both should get in the back seat from the right side. Boris slid across, but had to climb over a large 12 volt battery to get seated. The driver went about trying to start the vehicle. Boris had illusions of him getting out and hitting the engine in strategic places with a large hammer or an oversized shifting spanner. Finally the engine farted and all were on their way.

While Boris has illusions of speaking Russian, the driver could not comprehend any description of the hotel or the street. It is strange that the hotel name is only in English – The Old Estate Hotel & Spa.

Hotel at Pskov

Hotel at Pskov

Finally the driver was shown the phone number and he rang the hotel for instructions. Soon he was a happy fellow and switched from confused taxist to a tourism salesman selling the virtues and talking endlessly about the sights of Pskov.  The fare was 150 rubles. Boris and Timofei were surprised they had not been ripped off.

At dinner that night our heroes were the only patrons in the hotel restaurant. Perhaps all of Pskov had known Timofei and Boris would be present and it was wise to stay away. The meal ended with a grand cheese platter. It consisted of an aged cheddar, something like an edam, a camembert and a blue brie – it was definitely blue and definitely soft. Some were skewered with plastic toothpicks. With the cheeses were nuts and fruits. The waiter, Denis, explained an exotic fruit, appearing to be an orange gooseberry, was a physalis. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physalis)
Denis tried his best in all things. He was a pleasant fellow. And he
struggled a little with Timofei’s English and marginally less with Boris’
Russian.

After breakfast (there were two other people in the restaurant) on the
following, the duo checked out of the hotel and proceeded to find the
landmarks in the town of Pskov. The Mirozhsky Monastery was illusive and according to Timofei would be just around the next corner. Alas it was not. His compass was broken. (It was at the other end of town, in the
opposite direction).

Ian on the parapet

Ian on the parapet

Thankfully the Krom (old kremlin in Pskov) was obvious and easier to find. It is situated in a manicured park, across a creek, and beside the Velikaya (Great) River. It provided good defences in the past, especially against the Teutonic Knights. Restoration works had commenced in 1952 and are continuing. Timofei

It was 1952

It was 1952

had to tell Boris that 1952 was the year, not the hour. Boris remarked that they had not done much. Some people!

The duo made their way around the grounds of the Krom and up onto the battlements. At the kremlin office, Boris made enquiries about a toilet, and was pointed to the kino theatre next door.

For the sum of 20 rubles, he could make use of a half-height cubicle, affording no privacy, nor protection from Timofei’s camera.
Upon completion of their duties, they made their way to a cafe, where tea could be bought for 40 rubles.
After the comfort of the pause, and being entertained by an Italian movie dubbed into Russian, and without need of dialog, they left to explore the town further, especially across the River Velikaya. They saw shopping centres, specialty shops, strangely decorated cafes, churches and more churches, and a post office where it was not possible to get any service.  They had roamed far and needed to get a bus back.
Boris alarmed an old woman when he asked which bus they could catch to Ploshad Lenina. Finally a No. 17 arrived, an everyone with the aid of elbows got on the bus. The woman ticket collector advised that Ploshad Lenina would be three stops, and the fare was 18 rubles each. When the bus lurched to a halt at the next stop, the ticket collector advised that it was two further.  A Russian paratroop sergeant, dressed in camouflage uniform but displaying all insignia as well as wearing a tightly fitting powder blue beret, standing at the back, observed Boris and Timofei with suspicion. Little did he know that his suspicions were well-founded.

At the bridge over the Velikaya, the bus waited for sometime. However, the paratrooper has made his way through the crowd, and he was adjacent to the exit door. The ticket collector advised that is was next stop. The bus came to a stop opposite Ploshad Lenina. The paratrooper was first off and then waited at the pedestrian crossing for the lights to change, and then made it to the bus stop with more time to wait.
Boris and Timofei leisurely returned to the hotel, stopping occasionally to look at archeological digs or burned out buildings.

Dog found in Perm

Dog found in Perm

They had time to kill.

Cafe Suliko

St Petersburg – Кафе «Сулико»Agent Romanova lured our unsuspecting heroes from Nevsky Prospekt into Nabezhnaya Kanala Griboyedova and then into the less lit Pereulok Sergeya Tyulenina.Following instructions to the letter, the party descended stairs into a basement and entered Cafe Suliko.  A Georgian waitress acknowledged Romanova, but hardly gave mention to Boris and Timofei.  They were led to a dimly-lit table at the side of the restaurant.The menus were shoved in front of all.  None were in English, so Timofei struggled to find borshch.  It wasn’t on the menu.Romanova suggested a cheese pizza.

Georgian restaurant

Georgian restaurant

That seemed a bit simple, so some good Georgian dishes were found. Timofei opted for a beetroot soup (sound too much like his favourite borshch) and Boris had a lamb casserole.  This was all served with a tasty Georgian red wine, reminiscent of an old claret.After many jokes and some banter with the официантки, it was time to leave.  A plan had been hatched for tomorrow. The food was good. The wine was fine. The atmosphere was interesting.The owner of the establishment emerged and gave Romanova a huge embrace.  Timofei demanded likewise, so the owner (a great bear of a man) gave Timofei an embrace too.  (The owner seemed a little embarrassed).  Out on the street, Boris and Timofei headed for the bright lights of Nevsky Prospekt.  Romanova dissolved into the shadows.

Space program

Gallery

This gallery contains 8 photos.

Moscow, Wednesday: Мемориальный музей космонавтики The Russian Space Program has suffered a huge set-back. Our incompetent heroes have sought to provide their expertise to the program.Sergei Korolev, from his deathbed, strenuously advised against seeking assistance from these fools. His last words … Continue reading

Moscow Kremlin

The traffic in central Moscow is constant. Whether it be on the seven lanes across Okhotny Ryad or in the narrow streets behind Lubyanka, pedestrians cannot let their attention lapse. Boris and Timofei made their way through cars and traffic control bollards to the Biblio Globus bookshop. What had once been a bright sign on the facade was now a faded almost illegible announcement. It was a mark of red against a grey background. With the rain, the sky was grey, the building always will be grey, and the faces have no sunny disposition. Inside the store they hoped to make contact. At the information desk. Timofei pushed Boris forward. He asked the code question, “Can I ask you a question in English?” To which he got a very forceful “No!” That was not the coded answer he had expected. In Russian he asked for directions to the English books, and on the second floor he found a Russian book instructing the reader on the English language. Upon return to the first floor they paid 103 rubles for the book and left the store without further contact. They rushed to Tsum department store, as Irina had shown them where to find a free toilet. Time was important, so they also hurried to Kutafiya Tower at the Kremlin. It was raining again so they pressed themselves against the Kremlin gate, only to be jostled by people leaving the Kremlin. After 2:00 pm Irina arrived, but she was accompanied by an unknown man and woman. They introduced themselves as Igor and Nataliya (not their real names) from Crimea. (He told Boris he is a jurist and she is a housewife) They were very happy that Crimea had now been incorporated into the Russian Federation. Boris and Timofei acknowledged the comment, but said no more. After Irina paid them a large sum, they departed.

Irina

Irina

Irina then led our heroes to the Kremlin office in Alexander Garden where they were met by the Kremlin official, Vera.  Both

Tim, Irina and Vera

Tim, Irina and Vera

Boris and Timofei misinterpreted Vera’s role and expected to be arrested. It was not to happen. The group walked through the Trinity Tower gate to the Arsenal. However

Cannons left behind by Napoleon in 1812

Cannons left behind by Napoleon in 1812

their attention was drawn to the glass and concrete Kremlin State Palace. After seeing the flag on the Senate building (home and offices of the president) they realized he was not at home. Again they had missed an opportunity. Timofei was greatly interested in the Tsar’s Cannon and the Tsar’s Bell. Irina

The bell with 11chopped

The bell with 11ton chip

said she likes big things. The cannon has been fired once, but never in anger. The

Ian and that little cannon

Ian and that little cannon

bell always has been silent, probably because of an eleven-ton piece that broke away when it was made. After inspecting some churches, the team left the Kremlin grounds. Timofei2014-09-02 13.12.21 and Boris headed for a restaurant in the Alexander Gardens where they had pizza. Borshch was not on the menu. During the day, they had passed through Red Square, but it was not really visiting the place. That will wait until tomorrow.

Order of the Koala

Moscow: Paveletsky Vokzal

Every morning in Moscow, Boris and Timofei have made a practice of having a coffee at Costa Coffee shop in the lounge. They have used a spatula to apply the charm to Valya, the unsuspecting barista. The poor girl didn’t see it coming. She was presented with the Order of the Koala for services to our servants abroad in RussiaOrder of the Koala

Moscow Parking

Russia is the largest country, but it impossible to find a parking space in Moscow. According to Boris there are 3.5 cars owned by residents, per authorised and marked parking bay. However, all know that his statistics are totally unreliable.

Relocating a parked car at the shopping centre

Relocating a parked car at the shopping centre


Despite the statistics, Timofei and Boris supervised the stacking of cars at VDNX. When there is no marked bay, a truck arrives to put the target car in a place above the ground. All works well until the owner returns and asks how he is supposed to drive to the shops. Boris and Timofei were silent on this question.

(Author’s note:

Parking is a severe problem in Moscow. Some people have taken to parking on footpaths for a lengthy period.

Consequently the city administration has started impounding cars. Under the supervision of a city parking official a “tow-truck” operator lifts the car onto a flat-bed truck and the vehicle is taken to an impoundment.

According to a local resident, the recovery fee is 8000 rubles ($230), and this amount has to be considered in comparison with average earnings.

With further consideration and observations, the actions of the city parking officials have not provided a sufficient deterent. Perhaps it will take time.)

Incheon

Report 31 August 2014 Comrades! Boris has found his way to Incheon. Kim Jong-un want to know, “Why wasn’t I told???”*** Undera20140831_075347 wonderful grey skies in South Chosen, all is well. Boris is taking photos of view from hotel window. Nothing strategic in photos. Distribute this notice to all party members! Keep vigilant! Viktor *** (Kim Jong-un is big fan of basket ball and television show, Number 96) a20140831_075339 a20140831_072246

ALERT: Boris is away again

Brisbane, 14 October 2010

All are to be awake and alert. There are reports that Boris is off again. He has been seen heading in the direction of the airport.

It seems the situation has been escalated. Someone in authority accidently signed a travel warrant. He is believed to be traveling to Paris. Sources reveal he will be departing on EK433 from BNE at 02:30 – surprised he is out of bed at that time – bound for DXB. From there he will transit to CDG on EK075.

It is believed he will be meeting with agents of that secret organisation, Alcatel, in Paris. Actually this resembles a dessert, commonly known as junket.

If he is seen sneaking into the Alcatel Dynamic Enterprise Tour as a representative of something important, all are to call the gendarmes.

That is all. More reports to follow.

Boris und der Hund

GERMANY / DEUTSCHLAND September 2010

When Boris arrived on the scene in Muenchen, he decided to mingle with the locals, basically to get the low-down on where to buy cheap bier.

He bought an Isor card and proceeded to use the U-Bahn on a regular basis.

On one morning he sat in the seat reserved for invalids and pensioners. He noticed an elderly lady sitting next to him, and he was overcome by the strong smell of geschissen. It was powerfully strong. It had that large German smell to it.

He wanted to tell the elderly lady about her problem, but he was stopped by the language barrier. How could he tell the lady that she had a strong smell of the hund geschissen? He had to settle for sticking a finger up his nose and to pretend he was smelling some roses.

As he left the train at the U-Bahn station, Muenchener Freiheit, he believed the smell was following him. It was also there he noticed the price for tickets on the U-Bahn (sometimes it amazes all how his small mind works). It seems that the German public transport system charges the same price for a dog as it does for a child. Of course one notices that a dog receive more attention than a child.

He continued to walk on the streets. Everywhere he noticed evidence of the presence of der hund. On the pathways, where owners were not public spirited, there were samples of geschissen. Also on display and provided for convenience there were dispensers containing bags for the capture and transport of the hund geschissen. The smell persisted to follow him.

He began to think the old lady was following him too. However, when he looked about, she was nowhere to be seen. But the smell was persistent and powerful.

Finally he returned to his hotel, just across the road from the cemetery – der friedhofsbedarf – he entered his room, removed his shoes and found the evidence on the sole – der hund geschissen.

Dumm gelaufen (yes – schisse happens)

Was Boris in Trier?

Hopefully the answer is NO!

Viktor and Hobson and their group of beautiful frauleinen made it to Trier today. They found it on the Mozel (Moselle) River, but failed to sample the wines.

They looked at sights and sites around the city. Importantly they found the Marx brothers’ birthplace – you know the funny one – Karl. It has been a history lesson.

Also they appear to have been tourists.

Thankfully no sign of Boris.

Boris escapes to Regensburg

REGENSBURG 9 September 2010

Boris was reported to be in the alt stadt. (Note to intelligence community: please be more precise in your reports – we are chasing this fool all over Bavaria)

Viktor and Hobson and three beautiful frauleinen made quick haste to the alt stadt, parking just behind the Maximilian Hotel. This is not significant, but a reasonable place to park if you have the beepers fitted.

In the company of the beautiful and numerically increasing frauleinen, they made their way to a good restaurant. Here an American fellow informed them he had seen Boris earlier, but he could have been mistaken but Instead of pursuing Boris, they decided to have a decent breakfast.  After satisfying these hunger pains, these intrepid fellows set off searching the alt stadt.

Boris was spotted momentarily in several churches and the clock tower of the gate bridge beside the Donau River. Had he plunged into the river the would not have survived as the current was quite swift.  In one of the churches they saw that Boris’ accomplice, Ratsinger, had helped him escape.

Having followed a fruitless pursuit, our intrepid heroes decided to head for Worms, based on intelligence that Boris may be heading there.

Boris visits Mad Ludwig

SCHWANGAU 8 September 2010

Hobson and Viktor were seen escaping from Riessersee Hotel in Garmisch-Partenkirchen. Questions will be asked about the mini-bar.

After driving through Austria, they were stopped at a police road block in the vicinity of Reutte. After extensive questioning about the activities of Boris, the police allowed them to pass. Of course they know nothing of the imcompetent fellow.

Their route passed through Fussen and onto Schwangau. Finally they found a parking spot behind a large pile of horse manure. (Dear reader, at this time we should advise that the principal form of transport in the village of Schwangau is the horse-drawn cart – nothing too fast)

Viktor and Hobson set about searching the facilities for Boris. Sometimes he is lucky and can be elusive.

Firstly, they went to the Hohenschwangau castle. It was a very ordinary establishment, as far as castles and palaces go. Maximilian must have been a frugle fellow.

On the contrary his son, Mad Ludwig (what mother would call her son, Mad Ludwig!!! – no wonder he turned out strange) was not frugle.

This was evident immediately on their arrival in Neuschwanstein.

As they searched the castle there were rumours that Boris would be performing a recital Wagner’s Ride of the Valkerie in the concert hall on the top floor of Neuschwanstein. Of course he had escaped just prior to their arrival.

Upon return to the car park, they successfully found the BMW they had acquired.

It was now necessary to make a quick journey to Regensburg.

Boris was seen in Oberammergau

OBERAMMERGAU 7 September 2010

REPORT 1

This is new report from Viktor in glorious village of Oberammergau.

Everyone will know famous village of Unterammergau. Oberammergau is just up the road a short distance from Unterammergau.

Boris was seen lurking in vicinity of Oberammergau on morning of 7 September.

It is not generally known whether Boris is religous, but he has been seen with pope in Regensburg.

The village was full of Americans so Boris was able to masquerade as Hans, oberleutnent in charge of water wagon.

At time of passion play, Boris was seen entering building. Very strange – he was without ticket. He stumbled over filippino people on way to vacant seat.

Later seen stuffing blanket in bag.

REPORT 2

Boris not seen after dinner.

Viktor and Hobson with beautiful frauleinen walked through museum in village in search of Boris. Maybe polizei found he had no ticket and asked him to leave.

Hobson bought expensive kaffee in small cafe.

Fraulein took many photos, and with close examination did not reveal Boris.

REPORT 3

Boris again seen in vicinity of shuh platz. Think he was trying to find bus to Garmisch-Partenkirchen.

All confused as bus took strange route to hotel.

No more to report, except Hobson seen heading for bar.

Bayern bier quality law

Boris was invited, after parting with a wad of euros (a form of cash used in Europe), to investigate the Bayern (Bavarian) Bier Quality Law.

This tale has an historical setting. The Reinheitsgebot (Purity Law) was enacted in Ingolstadt in Bayern on 23 April 1516 (two days before Anzac Day). Firstly Boris was relieved that the Purity Law related to the quality of beer, not the morals of frauleinen. Secondly he was enthralled to see that law only allows the recipe to include barley, hops and water, and not magic mushrooms and stinging nettles. However he was disappointed to learn the Germans had ignored the price stipulated as 2 pfennigs per masskrug (one litre beer glass popular at Oktoberfest).

At the appointed time of 15:30 Boris boarded the bus opposite the Hauptbahnhof and with 15 German citizens (Boris had to ask the commentary be done im Englisch).

The route went via the Nazi headquarters. Apart from beer halls this had little relevance other than it was enroute to the beer brewing district in Muenchen (just have to admire a city, which has a beer brewing district. Seems to have a cultural significance)

The bus passed many breweries, then cut past the Oktoberfest grounds, which were in the advanced stages of construction for the event this year. Finally it stopped at Paulaner Brewery.

Boris and his 15 German friends were introduced to the fraulein braumeister. She explained that very good bier is made from 60,000 year old glacial water drawn from a bore 240 metres under the factory – better than that muddy water in the Isor River. Also the hops are of very good quality, especially the noble hops used here.

Boris (and 15 Germans) followed the fraulein around the plant observing every aspect of bier making. Boris took numerous photos (we think he is learning how to be a spy, but he needs to learn the finer points. Do not be seen taking photos. Do not push people out of the way to take a photo. Do not upset 15 Germans; they do remember the war!)

Also it is a bit pointless being a spy in a brewery. After all it is no secret how they make bier. It has been in law since 2 days before Anzac Day in 1516. One should refer to many books on the subject, especially on how to make bier in the garage or shed with a plastic container from Bunnings and ingredients from the supermarket. It might be chemistry but it has been done by amateurs for thousands of years.

Finally the tour of the factory was over. Now was the time to sample the quality of the product. Boris took up the challenge.

No more need be said!

It is reported he left the factory at 18:25. His whereabouts remains unknown.

Bier Hall putsch continues

Boris has been left to his own devices in Muenchen. It seems Hobson slipped through Franz Josef Strauss airport and onto the train to Grenoble while the bumbling spy slept. Well done Hobson!

Boris rose early, sometime before midday. He decided to get some exercise, so he walked from his hotel (Ibis Nord Muenchen) on Ungererstrasse and headed for the city centre. It was at Muenchener Freiheit that he found a small cafe with many suspicious characters (actually local people, but he wouldn’t know the difference) sitting outside, drinking coffee and discussing important issues.

He went inside and ordered ein coffee und brot mit kase. He stumbled through German. 6.40 euros (his attempt at account keeping)

After that repast he continued on his trek along Leopoldstrasse and Ludwigstrasse. He observed many suspicious characters, without realising he was in the university district. He walked through the middle of Ludwig Maximilian University, founded in 1472 in someplace else, but moved to here in 1826 (note to burgermeister – some buildings need a coat of paint)

Eventually he reached the city centre and arrived in Marienplatz at midday to see a very large crowd outside the Rathaus. He thought he had found civil discontent (but they were there to watch the clock on the town hall – performance of mechanical figures after clock strikes noon – Rathaus mit Glockenspiel)

Without finding anyone to participate in a putsch, he went to the hauptbahnhof and got on a bus. He was amazed that it travelled around in circles (it was a sightseeing bus). Finally in a disoriented manner he got off the bus, late in the afternoon. His route took him along Elisenstrasse, Marburgstrasse, Herzog-Maxstrasse Neuhauserstrasse , Ettstrasse, Promenadeplatz (strange memorial to Michael Jackson here) and to Maximilianstrasse. He was diverted to the Hofbrauhaus-am-Platzl.

He believed his opportunity for a putsch had occurred. The place was fully of noisy drinkers. (Actually the original bier hall putsch came from the Burgerbraukeller, but it was demolished in 1979)

At the table he met Walter and Helga from Hannover. They claimed to be pensioners. Walter was compelled to retire at 60 years. They were visiting Muenchen in the autumn. After 3 litres of dark bier they could have told him anything.

Somehow he got back to his hotel.

Hobson left Boris unsupervised

Perhaps a little too much luxury …

This travel log will be insufferable. For those who are students of the exploits of Boris the incompentent spy, this will come as a surprise. On his current misadventure, he is travelling to Germany. He thinks he might find enlightenment there (well someone has to turn on the lights sometime).

The first parts of his travels were to get from Brisbane to Munich (codename: Muenchen). He was to fly with the baggage through Dubai. Due to the misunderstanding on the part of Emirates that this fool was of some consequence, they upgraded him, not once but twice. On both legs the bottom jaw was awash with red wine and fine food in business class.

The first error was made by the Dnata staff in Brisbane. The young lady at the check-in desk was confronted with two entries in the computer. It seems something, akin to a Health payroll system, runs the bookings and automatically upgraded the fool. The poor girl was perplexed. Her supervisor decided the upgrade should occur, so off marches Boris with a business class boarding pass for the Brisbane Dubai leg, and an economy pass for the Dubai Munich leg.

In the interests of not boring you with complaints from Boris, I will summarize the experience. This flight normally takes 14 hours, but those chaps in the cockpit got the plane there in 13 hours. Seems they had a fairly good tailwind and it wasn’t too bumpy going over the Indian Ocean. Not a drop of red wine was spilt. While he was stuffing his face with good food, he made a sizeable attempt at a bottle of Torbreck Old Vines GSM 2005 from the Barossa Valley. (From the menu: Here the thick skinned grapes are very much at home and show their class when picked from the 100 year old vines. The GSM signifies the blend of Gernache, Shiraz and Mouvedre. The 2005 is described as hedonistic, dark ruby coloured, a fragrant nose of black cherry and wild blueberry (and possibly a hint of wine). Elegant and friendly on the palate with plenty of succulent blue and black fruits.)

Not sure if he slept well.

On his attempt to board the flight to Munich he was confronted by a large Arabian fellow at the gate when he presented his boarding pass. The oriental fellow presented the card to an electronic device which went beep (Everyone has to have one of these machines.) The fellow then tore up the boarding pass (finally someone has seen sense) and directed him to a security officer, who issues him with a business class boarding pass (the sense didn’t last long).

The flight from Dubai to Munich followed the route: up the Persian Gulf, across Turkey, on to Budapest and finally into Munich.

You have been WARNED!!!

Comrades!
You have received this message because you are on the Intelligence Watch List.
Also if you are already in possession of some of this informations, consider yourself lucky.                          That will be the end of intelligence!

You are given prior warning that that bumbling spy, Boris, is on the move again.
He is believed to be masquerading as Hans the Luftwaffe oberleutenant in charge of the water wagon. Actually they have worked out his capabilities. Would you trust him with more than a cup of water? He may be associating with several frauleinen und may be seen in the company of hauptmann (the main man) Hobson (that has to be an alias!)

He is believed to be leaving Australia on 30 Aug 10 and followed on 1 Sep 10 bound for Muenchen. Failing all sanity he will be returning 19-21 Sep 10 out of Frankfurt-am-Main and again followed on 26-28 Oct 10 out of Muenchen.

All are to remain alert. Come on team, let’s not have an international incident.

Signed
Viktor (yes, he does get around)